Favor from God

In recent weeks I’ve found the end to myself. I cant continue without God. I’ve seen how deep sin runs in me and how many awful mistakes I’ve made. Some have hurt others. Some are ruining my family. There isn’t an area of my life that hasn’t been engulfed by sin. There is something I’ve been praying (begging doesn’t even cover it) for God to keep between me and Him. I’m living in fear every day it will come to light. I know he works things out for our good. I’ve always kept God at arms length. Always kept Plan B and only called out to God in times of trouble. Recently, that has started to change. Him changing me I know. I feel His presence. I feel the tug and I want more of him. This is where my prayers come in. I have such a small, almost non existence of trust, which comes from having little to no faith. You see I grew up with no parents, no examples, no religious stability. So how do I have faith? Every human has let me down so how can I trust in someone I haven’t had a relationship with and I can’t see? I’m immature in my belief. Yes, I believe IN God. But believing God is such an overwhelming, terrifying thing and I don’t know how to go full in. What if he lets me down too? I’ve been praying for Him to forgive me for not having complete trust and faith in him. I’ve been praying for his strength. I’ve been praying for him to be my calvary. I’ve been praying for him to surround me with the word and answers. I’ve been praying because I believe my lack of faith is sin. I’ve been thinking of suicide. I’ve thought of ways to make it look like and accident. I’ve thought how my husband and kids will be better off. I’ve even been writing letters leaving instructions on how to take care of things, my pain, and insight into my loneliness and sin. Two of my 3 sisters have already committed suicide and the other died of breast cancer so If I did it it would appear that it runs in the family, right? Your title was what is your greatest prayer request. I need God to fight for me. I NEED God to make this ONE THING i’ve done go away. To not become known to others. I need it to be between me and him (no, I haven’t committed murder or anything stupid like that). I don’t think I can live with the shame, guilt and humiliation for myself but also my family. I know its wrong to “test” God because he doesn’t work like that. I know my doubt in Him is sin. I know I can seek his strength to get thru. I know its wrong to barter with God, he also doesn’t work like that. I know I’ve made the wrong choices. I know it was me and not him who got me here. Its just that HE is the ONLY way out! I have to believe he loves me because I am a child of God. It astonishes me that with all my brokenness and sin he would still love me. So my prayer- For God to make this go away. To never be brought up again. To be removed from me as far as the east is from the west. To grow my faith in Him. To put the question of faith to rest forever. And to remove the sin of suicide from me if he doesn’t. Jesus please show me favor. Please answer my prayer!